Marriage Counseling: Why We All Need It

As I look out at the skyline over London, heading back to our life in Uganda, I’m thankful for this 8-hrs of space to process the last 2 ½ months in the US. One of the things I am most thankful for during this time is the investment we made in marriage enrichment. We sought regular marriage counseling (a tough thing to do while overseas), went on several meaningful dates, and spent a week away by ourselves at a counseling retreat center. It was probably the best thing we have done for our marriage in the 10 years that we have been at this thing!

Now, I know many people who heard we were coming back to get counseling (amidst other things like rest and renewal), might have been thinking, “The Webbers are coming back to get counseling? But they are missionaries... They must really be having a hard time.” And my response to that (with a chuckle) would be, “Yes, Yes, and Yes!” Let’s break those thought processes down and I will explain…

“The Webbers are coming back to get counseling…” 

YES WE DID. 

(and guess what- sshhh…we get counseling while we are in Uganda too!) 

I used to be one of those people who thought of counseling as that thing you did “when you really have problems”. Now I view it as something you get to prevent problems from cropping up into your life and marriage. Counseling used to be in my mind  “the chemo treatment you take when you are diagnosed with cancer”. Now I view it as the “diet, exercise, or multivitamin you take to prevent serious illness like cancer”.  Do things still crop despite getting regular counseling? Sure thing! But when you have a third party holding you accountable to the vows you made at the wedding altar, you are much more likely to nip things in the bud before they become big problems.

“But they are missionaries…” 

YES WE ARE.

(and we are human, too, but don't tell anybody...)

Do you know what it takes to be a missionary? First and foremost, the recognition that you are a broken and flawed individual that really has no hope apart from the work that Christ did on your behalf on the Cross.  Missionaries (or pastors or anyone in Christian leadership really) aren’t any more holy than anyone else (I know, that’s a bold statement for some to believe…). As a matter of fact, some in ministry have more of a tendency to hide their flaws because people expect them to act at a higher moral standard than the rest of society.  But let me tell it to you straight, people- we are all sinners! We act selfishly at times, we don’t always look to the interest of others (including our spouses), and we don’t always have perfect prayer lives or stick to our Bible-reading plans. At the foot of the Cross, we are as equal beggars for mercy as the criminal who hung beside Jesus and pleaded to join Him in paradise.  For anyone to think otherwise (whether you are in ministry and think you are someone special, or whether you have a secular job and think those in ministry are somehow more holy than you are) is to be deceived by the Enemy. Regular Christian counseling keeps us acutely aware of both our sin nature, and the grace offered to us through Christ. The two go hand-in-hand.  As we become more aware of how our choices and actions affect those closest to us, we also become more aware of our desperate need for grace and forgiveness from God and from others. And guess what- without that, we wouldn’t have any hope to offer a hurting and broken world.

“They must really be having a hard time…” 

Well, YES, we have had a challenging past few years. 

Our challenges have not centered directly on our marriage, but that should not negate the need for getting marriage counseling (and/or personal counseling for that matter).  Any time you face difficult seasons (which are inevitable in life), your marriage is either going to become stronger or it’s going to get some cracks in it’s foundation. That destiny is determined as much by the work you’ve done preparing for the storms of life as it is by the choices you make while you are in the tough times. Personally, I want to respect, cherish, and be more in love with my husband on our 50^th wedding anniversary than I did on the day we originally took our vows. We knew hard times would come (as they do for everyone), and we have chosen to see them not as stumbling blocks but as opportunites- to grow in our knowledge of grace and humility, to draw closer to one another, and ultimately to grow together in our intimacy with Christ. 

So, if you are one of those people who thought like I did a few years ago- that counseling was for “people with problems”, allow me to give you a little challenge: Re-think the value that godly counsel could have on your marriage. It is for people with problems- and YOU are one of them (sorry to burst your bubble if you thought otherwise!) We all walk into marriage with baggage, thanks to our common lineage in Adam & Eve, who first chose the path of destruction. Remember the Great Injustice I wrote about a couple posts back- yeah, we still carry it forth in our marriages and hand it down to our children (on pretty silver spoons nonetheless).  It’s what you do with that baggage (and your spouse’s) that determines your contentment in life, as well as the legacy (or further baggage) your marriage will leave for your children and the future generations coming after you.

And, if you are still on the fence about this counseling stuff, read through Romans sometime & re-acquaint yourself with that sin nature we all have and cannot escape. Also rediscover that none of us is outside the reach of hope in Christ! If you think your marriage is healthy enough that it doesn’t need counsel- get it anyway! Problems don’t crop up over night; they accumulate over years. If you fear what counseling might uncover in you or your spouse- take a bold step and choose to turn over those rocks now. Nothing is hidden from God, and one day all things will be brought to light. Allowing the light to illuminate the blind spots and shadows now, will keep them from growing bigger and bigger as time goes on. And remember- there is no sin that has not been paid for on the Cross. Look at the "mighty warriors" that God used throughout Biblical history (Noah, Jacob, David, Paul- just to name a few...)- not one of them came from a clean-slate background- far from it!

Lastly, we are still in the first quarter of 2015- it’s not too late to start a New Year’s Resolution, is it? Resolve to make this year the one in which you invest heavily in your marriage. Set tangible goals with your spouse of what you would like your relationship to look like 1yr, 5yrs, or 10yrs down the road- and get a third party to hold you accountable to those things. If finances are preventing you from getting counseling, talk with someone at your church (or a church if you don’t have one), and I guarantee they should be able to point you in the right direction.

We are so glad that we made our marriage a priority over the last three months, and we know that this specific investment will reap further rewards down the road as we head back into the pressure cooker of cross-cultural ministry.

This is Life.
{invest in it}