A Sobering Reality

Last night I encountered the most horrific moment I have ever encountered as a parent. Let me take that back- in my entire life. 

Lucy choked on a piece of celery.

I'm not talking about a little gag reflex that required some forceful pats on the back. I mean, I threw that girl over my knee, beat the living daylight out of her poor bare back, before having my child go limp & lifeless in my arms, eyes bugged out and glazed over, tongue hanging out blue. Talk about the absolute scariest moment I hope to ever in my life encounter. If it had not dislodged in the next few seconds, we were about to throw down and start CPR. It was only by God's grace that Derek was there with me to do a finger sweep in the back of her throat & grab the phone to call 911 (which thankfully at the last second we didn't have to!) because I don't know that my mind was working fast enough to do both of those things if I had to do it on my own. In hindsight, we both agreed that it was probably good that she passed out because I think that relaxed all the muscles that were working so hard to dislodge the obstruction, allowing the forcefulness of my beatings to do their work, along with gravity & the finger sweep to actually remove the piece of celery. When it was all over with, I went in the living room and hyperventilated for about 2 minutes before talking myself out of a panic attack. Even now, she has peri-orbital petichae (ruptured capillary vessels surrounding her eyes) from straining during the episode.

What has this episode taught me? I don't know...I'm still trying to process it all. In my most recent post I relished in all the joyful moments I hope to look back on with this girl when I am old and gray. Unfortunately, if I am blessed to make it to 90 one day, I will still have fixated in my memory what it feels like to hold a lifeless child. In that brief helpless instant, my heart was ripping in two and there was nothing I could do about it.

I know some people wonder why my husband and I would choose to take small children to rural Africa. Some people won't agree with it. But in reflecting on the event that occurred with my beloved child last night in the comforts of my own kitchen here in America, I've come to realize that the security of modern civilization is truly a facade. I'll be honest- a part of me would like to embrace the voice that says, "What if that had happened in Uganda? What if there were no 911 to call? What if you couldn't get help in time?" And then I'm reminded, GOD IS IN CONTROL. There have been missionaries raising their children in Bundibugyo for nearly three decades now, and while there have been many illnesses, accidents, tragedies, etc. God has graciously placed a hedge of protection around those serving and not allowed a single one to be plucked from the fold. There are dangers, yes, and is certainly by His grace alone that tragedy has not struck in this way. And there are no promises that it won't in the future. Yet, in the last week I have sat with 2 women in my own community who have tragically lost children at one point in time, another who has a family member who lost numerous members of their family in a car accident. I know of a mom my age who recently lost a child at 36 wks pregnant. The list goes on and on. Sometimes I feel "safer" here in my modernized culture, but last night I realized that tragedy could strike just as easily here as it can anywhere else.

I'm not sure what the purpose of that incident was, I don't know if I ever will, and I pray I never have to encounter something similar again.  

But I know this: I know one day I will encounter moms who have sick and dying children, and who have already lost other children, and who feel utterly and completely helpless to do anything for them. And in the teeny tiniest way I will be able to relate to that feeling of helplessness and comfort them in their grieving. 

And remind them of the God who sent His Son to die for us that we might have hope during our times of deepest sorrow.

dedicated to my sweet Lucybug, whose life I will cherish every day I am blessed with it...